Now I am not going to mention which one of my children caused me to place myself in ‘time out’ this evening, but I am pretty sure if you hear in 10 years time that one of my kids is taking the stage at the Edinburgh Comedy Festival YOU WILL FIGURE IT OUT.
This child has never been ordinary. Not ever. She has done it her way always. Arrived 14.5 days late at a whopping 9 pounds 1 ounce in a train wreck style delivery. Slept whenever she bloody pleased. Dilly dallied on walking for some time but realised it was full steam ahead upright on Christmas Day. There was a tree with presents under it requiring to be crash tackled of course.
She has been at times socially awkward and it wasn’t until she found her tribe at a new school did she start to come out of her shell so to speak.
When I say out of her shell, I also mean speak more. Like a lot more. Like speak without a decent breath for 53 minutes straight. Yes that sort of out of her shell.
Whats more interesting about this child is the naturally dry wit that rolls off her tongue. Straight face. With maybe only a small twinkle in her left eye.
We have discussed volume a lot these school holidays. As it seems that despite once being so shy she couldn’t omit a word, she now has a fully established voice box capable of the sort of decibels that are ejected from a mega phone when there is a Great White on Coogie Beach.
A fine example of this was yesterday when we all went to the park for some time out of the house. My kids were all playing very well on a flying fox until some unruly young-ins turned up. They basically pushed my lot off the flying fox, and created nothing short of chaos in the park.
My child (without the volume button) pretty much threw her little brother under her arm and stomped back to the picnic blanket where I was watching the events unfold. On her way hollering :
‘Well that’s how you ruin a nice park experience. Let the bogans turn up.’
I swear to fucking god even the magpie’s stalking me in the trees intent on pecking my head, fell still and silent and all eyeballs went on us.
With that I grabbed my picnic blanket and hurried my crew to the car. There was a bit of a hop, skippity, jump to the whole ordeal and one child was actually running in front of me holding onto her hat so it wouldn’t fall off. Emergency locking system in the Territory had never been so handy.
The thugs with their rats tails and bogan mohawks stood still just looking at us wondering why all the hoohaa. Maybe they thought my child was talking about someone else.
But still that didn’t silence my child. She kept going giving all facets of commentary on the situation at hand and the problem with parks these days.
5 minutes later I found myself parked in my garage, wacking my head on the steering wheel of the car, begging her to stop or at least take a breath.
But she didn’t and it seems that this was the precursor to what I will now call the September Motor-Mouth-Athon.
Other famous quotes and questions from this child in the last 24 hours and even the last month have included :
‘Mum I think I need to be wormed. And I think maybe that is why American’s eat too much.’
‘Mum did you know that there is a little smiley face on ecstasy tablets.’
‘Mum what’s that disco ball hanging in the back of my throat called?’
‘Mum, I don’t think it should be called racist, it should be called faceist. Because that’s what happens when not nice people look at other people that have different faces. So wrong hey?’
‘You can put lipstick on a pig and it will still be a pig.’ (Bachelor Blake I am looking at you son with EVIL IN MY EYE and lipstick on my pig.)
‘Mum did you know when you have colonic irrigation they put a pipe up your butt and hose you out?’
So this is why I placed myself in time out at 7:36 pm tonight. And this is why I snuck out and ate all of her M&M’s just now while she continues to talk…IN HER SLEEP.
Peace be with you.