I have had a rather infuriating week on a personal level and rather annoyingly it came between me and the efficient MMM blogger I have been working towards getting back to.
It can basically be summarised as WHAT PEOPLE THINK.
Now, I am not one to normally give a monkeys about WHAT PEOPLE THINK and I carve out my own path in life, however when words returned to me, about me, that weren’t entirely incorrect but were of disgusting exaggeration I become angry.
I become angry because it was about my own mental health AND it wasn’t helpful AND it proved the sickening stigma associated with mental health.
It was about how I had a break down.
Now to be honest, I don’t really know what equates to a break down, but I have stood by and watched someone I care about become so unwell that he possibly ‘broke’.
He was dropping hints to me, and whilst I cared and I was listening I didn’t pick up on them. I wasn’t reading entirely between the lines. I was busy and here was a friend trying ever so hard to reach out and I missed it. I will forever hold the guilt of that.
Now, going by what I know of being mentally unwell to the point of breaking, as in what happened to my friend, I have not come anywhere near it.
I had a car accident. I have been in consistent pain since that day. It has impinged on my ability to sleep, function to my normal busy routine and drive, as it hurts. Some days are better than others. Every week I hope that the next is going to be better, and you know what in small ways they are.
I do still have flash backs in the car though. I hear that bang over and over and over. To say I am absolutely petrified of having a car accident again is an understatement, more so when my kids are in the car. Because I have these flash backs which sometimes come out of nowhere, I don’t always feel like I am a very safe driver. So I sometimes don’t drive. Other times I push myself to. But it doesn’t get any better. And the panic attacks are embarrassing. Not something I would choose to have happen if I had any control. But by no means do I see myself as a weak person for this going on. In fact, I have come to feel like a fucking warrior with it. Sometimes I win. Sometimes I loose. I won’t give up.
I have been pretty open to others about how I am feeling. Possibly because I wanted help and I have always respected the power of the brain and just like my heart, I needed to be proactive in keeping it healthy.
By discussing how I have been feeling, does not give others licence to pop diagnose me and therefore decide what I am required to do to ‘GET OVER IT’. That is what my Dr is for and I have been doing every single thing I have been told to do, just so I can work though this AND MOVE AWAY FROM IT.
So let me come back to what I think this is all about. Mental Health Stigma. The stigma that someone (Me even) is classed as being weak and having a big bad break down because they have openly discussed difficulties that lay with how their brain is currently functioning.
I guess I should have kept my mouth shut. A friend of mine told me that she does just that, because she doesn’t like being judged. I can see why. But it sucks and I hate how society makes people think they should conform and keep quiet about this stuff.
So I am wondering now, if those that judge actually have brains at all? Only one without a brain at all dares judge the health of another with. For how else will they be sure they will never be in the same situation one day.
What a fucking revelation I may have just made here.
And as my Grandma once said in my hearing ‘stick that in your pipe and smoke it.’