It is 10:04 pm and as I lay here getting this out of my system, I know that in a few minutes my little boy will wake up crying and be clambering into our bed.
As he does every single night.
It is hard to know if this is habit or pain from his reflux. Mostly I feel it is habit. A habit formed when his reflux wasn’t controlled well by medication. But then again we have had 3 weeks of what us reflux parents call a ‘flare up’ , where I have questioned what I have fed him, the sudden warmer weather, the pool water he has bound to have drank whilst swimming and basically any other damn thing I can blame on myself.
To smell his breathe and hear him belch has been hard, because I know that is pain to him. But it dispels itself in more like bad behaviour during the day than the rolling around screaming and arching his back like he does at night.
So hard to know at times. Do you discipline or nurture? Disciplining a child in pain is surely fruitless. But then when they have been particularly naughty how can you not ?
The guilt I have for him not growing out of this bastard disease at times is incredible. And stuiped. I often wonder if the reflux medication I took whilst pregnant with my two refluxers hasn’t some how caused the issue. For I didn’t take anything with my eldest daughter and she doesn’t suffer. But then again, my family history of reflux is poor. It is like our oesophageal sphincter doesn’t work properly or something.
I guess when you are tired from sleeping with a 3 year old every night it is easy to become sensitive and make shit up in your head.
Those sleep issues now I write are possibly harder than the screaming. The sleep association of me is hard. I lay next to him to get him to sleep during the day and at night. That means things don’t get done about the house and the other kids miss the attention they need at bed time.
I know he is playing us too. He generally sleeps on a bed on his own at daycare. But when you are so tired and warn out, how do you break the habit at home?
How do you break the habit when you find him sleeping in your bed sitting up,but slumped over a pillow? ..(see feature image)
Goodness me .. He is still asleep. Maybe my chat about being a big boy and staying in his own bed at night has sunk in.
Maybe tonight is the night he will sleep through. I have only been waiting about 2 3/4 years.
Maybe I will hold off on calling the paed for that follow up appointment to discuss the fundoplication he will eventually need to have.
Maybe the fermented paw paw supplement I have been sneaking into his drinks has finally fixed him.
Hang on scratch that. He is awake.
It never bloody ends that is all I can say.